Huai Tian's blog

 妈妈，对不起。 我真的不想这么做的。 但是当时我真的没有办法，我也解释不了。 我以为可以几天后就可以解决，然后就跟你说。但是没想到拖了那么久，还没解决。所以我到现在都没说，然后被你发现了。 我其实这一个月每天心脏都跳得很快，砰砰地跳。虽然平时心跳就很快，但是好像比平时更快。有些天还会有一股闷气在胸口堵住。每天都在想这个事，非常的不安。太煎熬了。这种事我再也不做了。我从现在起一定先学了才轻微的尝试。 我只能慢慢地还你了。 今天看《余生，请多指教》第26集看到顾肖，唉，怎么会跟我一样呢。太失败了

 Ok so yesterday I went to bai nian at godparents' house. Godma asked me in front of like 6 people that I don't know whether I still want Lego. And apparently recently there was an episode where Mama introduced the Godsis as her goddaughter to someone, and Godsis asked “为什么这么见外？” Then Mama asked me if I was willing to be called her 'daughter' as well. In my brain I was thinking "wtf?". I had never registered in my mind that there was such a big difference, especially since they had no biological daughters. Hello I call you Mama and Daddy, not Godma and Godpa. So maybe it was just me who thought that it's no big diff. But sometimes the diff becomes so painfully obvious. Then I said sure. Sometimes my brain gets stuck in the present. I can't find words to defend myself. Only after thinking about it for hours, or in the shower or in bed, then I find the words coming to me. Godsis is one of a kind la. Her actual surname is Chua but she says her surname is ...

 I really cannot stop thinking about it. I have to vent my emotions somewhere so that I can stop crying and go to sleep. I guess it's for me to organise my own thoughts as well. My mum thinks this is a very trivial matter. But to me it's not. I hate that I'm so affected by it. I hate that I cannot get the love that I want. What happened is my youngest godsister received a Lego 10283 Space Shuttle Discovery for her Christmas present from my godfather. And I learned that she has actually gotten at least 5 Lego sets as a reward for improvements in her results, but I have not received anything for my academic achievements in my whole life. For context, her results are probably ok in her class, but bad on a nationwide level. On the other hand, I excelled academically in primary school. I do recognise that my results took a plunge in secondary school onwards, but hey I still graduated from NUS, and my results were the best in my 'godfamily'. I was well aware about my godp...

I'm just wondering how it feels to actually like someone? I watch lots of dramas. They said you'll feel the most comfortable, and you'll feel free to simply be yourself when you're with that person. Sounds nice

Ummmmm so my friend forgot my birthday, and wished me 2 days later. Was I expecting too much? I can't really remember but I think after JC, we stopped giving each other birthday gifts? Maybe because we met each other less. But if friends gave me a present, I would obviously reciprocate. Before, at least she would facetime me to wish me a happy birthday. When it was her birthday last year, I wished her happy birthday, but didn't prepare anything. But she happened to be nearby and invited me over, and then I bought her a cake although she said she didn't need one. So I was kind of expecting something on my birthday, especially since she moved to somewhere nearby. I don't expect people to remember my birthday. I myself am terrible at remembering birthdays. Unless your birthday is on a holiday or special occasion, I have to check Facebook. But at least have an idea of which month people's birthdays are in. And I even put my birthday on Facebook. Fb even reminds you of y...

I was watching The Return of Superman, when the naughty Donggook appa plucked Seola's hair and tickled Sian with it. I laughed at how he's so naughty. Then I got reminded of the times my dad used to play with me. He was one naughty dad too. And sometimes I kicked him in retaliation on the bed. As time went by, my kicks got stronger but he got weaker, so I could not longer kick him with full strength anymore. I suddenly felt so sorry for kicking him so hard. I miss daddy so much. It sent a flood of tears.

Yesterday, I went to my first Tuesday meditation session held by NUS Buddhist Society. I've only joined NUSBS this semester, and I usually go for the Wednesday sessions only, but this week I was swamped with stressful thoughts so I thought it would be good for me to finally go, since I wanted to go anyway. Guess what. After the 1 hour mindfulness session, they suddenly asked me to join the exco. Lmao. Now I'm in NUSPE exco, nuSTUDIOS subcomm and NUSBS management committee all at once. Lolol. Honestly, what pulls me through school is the thought of attending CCAs after school. I can't understand those people who have no CCAs at all. I guess they really like studying. Lol, but they didn't have any positions for me. They were just asking "what can you do? How about publicity/welfare?" haha. They're mostly Year 1s but I'm still glad I got to know them. Hopefully we can get closer in this semester. I've always wanted to join a bonded exco. Updat...

Ah Cao, my nephew, has been working in SG, and tonight he came over to have dinner together with us. While we were walking back home from the coffee shop, I suddenly missed Daddy a lot. My mum sometimes asks me if I miss ah ma or daddy. Usually I don't really feel particularly sad or anything. Perhaps numb. Idk. Sometimes it just gets me at random moments. I miss you a lot daddy. And I can't imagine what I'm going to feel when one day Mummy leaves too. Then I thought of how my ah ma has passed away recently too. My mum has also lost one of her parents recently. I should treat my mum better.

Today morning, Mummy flew to Penang to for my Ah Ma's wake, so my Er Gu Zhang is staying at my house while she's away, to ensure Daddy won't starve or fall down. Bcos I go to school until quite late. Oh yeah, lemme digress a bit first. I had my LSM3211 CA1 today, and although I didn't finish studying, I felt that it was so much better than last sem. What's different is that I tried harder to study this time, and yesterday night, I managed to stop myself from watching the latest episodes of 2D1N and 稍息立正我爱你! I know the proper thing to do is to finish studying, but I really did improve from last sem. For that, I need to praise myself, encourage myself, pat myself, because I learned that scolding myself is just going to discourage me. I have been a bad student since secondary school, and I think I've improved the most in this period of time. I am a perfectionist. I am not praising myself, because that's not a good thing. My brain used to turn off every time t...

Today, Director Lim/ 林老师 (who is a vegetarian) shared a video in the Fb group 'Living vs Acting'. It was about two 17-year-old Chinese girls who turned vegan at 14, and have started their own non-profit organisation where they make vegan cookies, and donate the revenue to save animals. All of these started when they watched the 2005 documentary  Earthlings 地球上的生灵 . I knew I had to watch it. FYI, I love eating meat. But slowly, I am cutting down. I first became vegetarian during 初一十五 , the 1st and 15th days of each lunar month, because these were especially sacred(?) days for Buddhists. Now, I have been eating vegan on 初一十五 and vegetarian on every Monday for a while now. I know that one day, I will eventually become vegetarian. (Sorry, I find being vegan quite hard to maintain, because so many things contain milk, but I will progress towards it.) I started doing Meatless Mondays because my close friend Pengfei had been going vegan for a few months. That encouraged me to d...

I discovered 2 tubs of Häagen-Dazs in the freezer today. I couldn't believe how such an expensive brand of ice cream appeared in my house. I was shocked. I felt so touched, and I actually couldn't bear to even start eating it, which never happens for regular ice cream like Walls. And just now, Mum just came home, and I asked her when she bought it. She went, "Oh, right. I bought that for daddy because he's too skinny." I felt damn disappointed, you can't even imagine how someone would feel over merely ice cream. I asked her why she didn't buy Häagen-Dazs for me. Then she said something like: Buy for you? It's Mothers' Day, and you didn't even buy for me. I felt damn wronged I started crying. I know I cry over little things. SO WHAT. I usually just eat cheap ice cream, and I could even feel touched over seeing Häagen-Dazs in my house. I was never willing to splurge over my favourite dessert, and I always just buy cheap alternatives. I had to go...

I've just finished watching the last episode of Bbyu Couple. And I am damn sad now. I think I'm crying more than Joy. I love this couple sooo so much. I feel so heartbroken for them, especially when Joy cried. Their love felt really real. But it's so sad because once their virtual marriage ends, they can't meet as much anymore. They're idols, and they can't hang out together in public, even if they wanted to. And that's why I feel so bad. I truly believe they really felt love for each other. Just look at how Joy broke down and cried in his arms when he was singing 안아줘 (Hug Me). They were just starting to really feel comfortable with each other, open up more, and understand each other more. And it all suddenly ends. Wtf production crew?!  What's wrong with y'all? This couple is the bomb, man. I think they contributed to lots of viewership. I started watching this couple because I was over at Shermaine's house to study, and she cooked soba noodle...

Today's 26 April 2017. It's 1 day after my birthday. Yesterday, I went to the Tanglin set to act as an extra (JC student/ customer) at Tanglin Coffee House. I had to wear and bring a total of 5 different set of clothes D: The reporting time was 8am but I was late, again. (I know... Bad habit... Need to change) I underestimated how slow public transport is zzz. I did add a 10 min buffer time to the Google Maps estimation, but I left house 10 min late, which meant no buffer, and I was late for about 25 min. Seems like a 30 min buffer is needed? What's more, it was at Infinite Studios, a location I've never been to. And it's damn ulu I had to walk for 15 min to get there from the bus stop. When I reached, I saw Mei Na, and she told me there's actually a shuttle bus from one-north MRT station Exit B. =.= Well, at least I'll know next time. Mei Na told laoshi i.e. Director Lim that it was my birthday. I had to go try on the school uniform. But as fat as I a...

Just finished watching the last ep of the drama. And I cried a ton during the last 2 eps. Ep 15 was understandable. I was heartbroken for Joon Hyung. It was so sweet all the time, and the last 2 eps were really touching. The last ep wasn't sad, but I was just really touched at everything. Their love for each other, and their graduation. I just cried throughout. I'm not sure if I find it really touching, or I am just very stressed, and I want to vent my frustrations through crying. But I really really love this show. I love this couple. I love Joon Hyung's family. I love Joon Hyung. I love Bok Joo. :) I wonder if this is why I like watching romantic dramas so much? I also hope to have a relationship like this. Innocent love, and just being there for each other, and playing around with each other, and all the hugs and kisses. I love them. I found them so cute together. In fact, different from the dramas, I enjoyed Bok Joo and Joon Hyung's playful kisses even more. Becau...

I'm currently in the midst of watching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo  역도요정 김복주 because my monkey is wreaking havoc. Will explain about the monkey in another post. I cried in Ep 7 cos Bok Joo is so pitiful! :( It's her first love, but because she's a weightlifting athlete, and just so happens she had a crush on a doctor who helps people with obesity, and just so happens her coaches and her dad who's a former weightlifter want her to increase her weight so she can up her weight class in competitions, she can't tell even her friends about her problems. :'( I feel her. 委屈的感觉。She doesn't deserve such harsh punishments... At the same time, I like this drama because I kind of see some similarities between her and me. Never liked someone before. Nobody confessed to her before. Haha. So when she goes through her first love, I think I can understand. :') Anyway, Nam Joo Hyuk is really good looking. Knew that since watching Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo, bu...

Hey, gonna post about this drama. The OSTs are really comfortable to listen to too. Somehow, tvN dramas feel really comfortable . Wanted to post on Facebook, but I'm weird. I'm possessive of the things I really like, so I don't really want a lot of people to go crazy over it like for DOTS. I never watch a drama twice, unless I happen to see it on TV. But I think I will have to make an exception for  도깨비. I hope Writer Kim will end it well! Because DOTS was by her hand, and the storyline towards the end didn't move very well, and only hung it there with the lines. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm guessing there were many cute and sweet scenes but no real advance in the plot. Kim Go Eun is the actress I'll look up to. She's not beautiful by popular standards, single eyelids and all, but that proves even more that her acting skills are great. Especially that scene when she was hopping across the road in Quebec, Canada which made Kim Shin realise that h...

Starring Kim Seul Gi and Yoon Doo Joon. It's a cross between Scarlet Heart Ryeo and Moonlight Drawn By Clouds, but it came out earlier. It's just 2 episodes, but it's really interesting despite the historical inaccuracies. I can't believe they made a Jang Yeong Sil - King Sejong love line LOL. And JYS got exiled because the sedan he designed for the king broke while the king was travelling. If they made it a movie, I would watch it. I really like the actors. I remember Seul Gi from Flower Boys Next Door. She's so cute!! Hehe.

Donald Trump is seeking quick ways of withdrawing from a global agreement to limit climate change, a source on his transition team said, defying widening international backing for the plan to cut greenhouse gas emissions. Trump, who has called global warming a hoax and has promised to quit the Paris Agreement, was considering ways to bypass a theoretical four-year procedure for leaving the accord, according to the source, who works on Trump’s transition team for international energy and climate policy. Source: http://www.straitstimes.com/world/united-states/donald-trump-looking-at-fast-ways-to-quit-global-climate-deal-source So what's the Paris agreement? The Paris Agreement’s central aim is to strengthen the global response to the threat of climate change by keeping a global temperature rise this century well below 2 degrees Celsius above pre-industrial levels and to pursue efforts to limit the temperature increase even further to 1.5 degrees Celsius. Additionally, the agreement a...

I watched Fall In Love With Me  愛上兩個我, and now I'm at the last episode of Just You  就是要你愛上我. Both star Aaron Yan. My fever for him has been reignited. He speaks in a straightforward manner, just like me. He's cheeky and mischievous, just like me (just watch the BTS and the  SS小燕之夜 Aaron Yan episode). I want to be best friends with him. I LOVE AARON. He is now on my phone lock screen. But from the BTS, he kept kissing Puff and Tia unnecessarily, 所以我很不爽。 :( Does he like them for real? Or he just likes to kiss people? Lol. Sigh. I think I am okay if the girl he was kissing is his girlfriend, but they're not... Gah. Not sure how long this crush on him will last. Edit: Oh no, just watched a YouTube video 炎亞綸 Aaron's Q&A Challenge on "ONTV Popu Show" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Clt5802jWsQ), and he said out of all his female leads, 李毓芬最让他心动！D：And also in his xinmsn interview in Singapore 20140817 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7PwpI-agbM), he sai...

Dae Han my favourite triplet! I love him. I have so much to learn from him. Even though his brothers were eating and playing, and not making the fruit skewers their dad asked them to do, Dae Han focused and finished his skewers. He even offered the fruit skewers to the dinosaur uncles. Such a kind boy. After that, he started doing the dishes when nobody instructed him to. Even appa said, "How did I get a son like you?" I have much to learn from Dae Hannie. :') I'll miss Song appa and you so much after this ep ends.