I really cannot stop thinking about it. I have to vent my emotions somewhere so that I can stop crying and go to sleep. I guess it's for me to organise my own thoughts as well.
My mum thinks this is a very trivial matter. But to me it's not. I hate that I'm so affected by it. I hate that I cannot get the love that I want.
What happened is my youngest godsister received a Lego 10283 Space Shuttle Discovery for her Christmas present from my godfather. And I learned that she has actually gotten at least 5 Lego sets as a reward for improvements in her results, but I have not received anything for my academic achievements in my whole life. For context, her results are probably ok in her class, but bad on a nationwide level. On the other hand, I excelled academically in primary school. I do recognise that my results took a plunge in secondary school onwards, but hey I still graduated from NUS, and my results were the best in my 'godfamily'. I was well aware about my godpa's favouritism, but the extent of it came as quite a shock.
My godsis spent a lot of her time during her childhood at her neighbour i.e. my godfam's house. And I lived so far away from them so I only went when my mum went to visit my godma. Naturally they were closer to her. But ever since the godfam moved house, and the godsis has grown older, has been spending more time with friends, and is lazy to visit except during the long school holidays, whereas I have been visiting more and more because I've also grown older, and I'm able to visit on my own without my mum. She has more signs of living here la, she has clothes and figurines in this house. Sometimes I need her help to find things around the house. EVEN THE DOGS HATE ME AND TRY TO BITE ME FOR NO FKING REASON, I CAN'T EVEN WALK FREELY AROUND THE HOUSE, so she has to hold the dogs back for me. Ok I'm grateful for that. But I still got bitten by Kola on Boxing Day wtf.
My godpa obviously obviously dotes on her way more. I have never hidden my jealousy of my godsis. And she's more annoying, petty and immature than me. Yeah I'm pretty immature too, and all my parents and godparents have been telling me that and are still telling me that. But I say this objectively: she is more annoying. She talks crap a lot of the time. Like how typical primary/secondary students talk. Why does she get more love? Just because she's younger? So what's so good about being mature? Doesn't seem to make my godpa dote more on me. What the heck. When they asked what I wanted for my graduation gift, I shouldn't have said I don't need anything. I should just asked for something even if I didn't want it. Wtf. Seems like those who request for more really do get more. When people ask you if you want something and you say no, you won't get it. Versus if you just tell them what you want, you'll get it. Lesson learnt at 27, man.
I hate it. I feel the unfairness every time. It's peaking this time especially.
My godbrothers don't really give a shit because they got their own lives, and because boys spend less time with family as they grow up. Then when they come home, they do their own thing in their rooms usually.
I complained. I asked why didn't I get Legos. Godparents said huh so big already still want to play with Lego? Ok firstly, there are Lego sets for adults (18+), like the Space Shuttle Discovery set godsis got. Secondly. how come when I was younger I was never asked whether I wanted Legos?! Godma asked you like Lego meh? Nobody ever asked me so how would anyone know.
I stayed over during the Christmas weekend. I helped to put together the Hubble Space Telescope, which was part of the Space Shuttle Discovery set. Wow first experience piecing Legos together. Each piece fit together perfectly. There was a nice 'click' sound, and I could barely see the lines between the pieces. I had a bucket of Lego bricks when I was small, but I don't remember them fitting together so nicely? Now I'm unsure if the Legos I had were actual legit Legos. Anyway that Lego bucket was eventually put at my ahma's house for relatives to play with, and I think now given to a relative's children. Anyway, when I was helping out with the Space Shuttle, I felt like I was playing with a neighbour's toys because I didn't have any.
New Year's Eve.
My godpa suddenly asked in the family chat whether we wanted to have dinner together. I had no plans, and my mum was busy, so I went. They were late, so I had time. I went to the Lego shop at Jem where that Space Shuttle set was bought. Yeah, it has only been a week, and Lego has already become my 执念 (obsession). It's my first time stepping into a Lego shop... I saw the typewriter, the grand piano, Hogwarts, etc. After I left the shop, every sight of a huge yellow paper bag made me upset. After dinner, I ended up going to at their place.
Godma was at home. She wasn't at the dinner because of work. I talked about the Lego thing again, but after that when I kept thinking about it, I got really upset, and I quietly lay down on the sofa, covering my face with the cushion, and my tears started flowing. There's one emotion that triggers continuous uncontrolled crying, and that's 委屈. I laid in that position for really long, so I got found out by godma. And then she was consoling me, and told me that she would buy me Lego the next day. But I told her I didn't want it anymore, and I would buy it myself. If I had to ask and ask for it, it feels bloody pathetic. I don't want to have to beg for something. It's not about obtaining the Lego. I probably can buy myself 50 Lego sets if I want to, but the meaning is different. At this point, it's already too late even if they bought me Lego because I already don't feel like equals as the godsis. It feels like I'm getting it not because I deserved it, but because I pestered them for it, and I hate it. It's not the same anymore.
I went to shower, and I continued to cry in the shower. Godparents went to sleep while I was in the shower. I came out of the shower, played Genshin Impact and cried while playing. I went to bed, couldn't fall asleep from 2am to 7am (probably because I woke up too late in the day + I drank HeyTea at 9pm + I had stomachache). Then I thought about it again, and I cried. Again. Fuck. Nobody knows I'm such a crybaby but I am. I just hide and cry all the time.
New Year's Day.
I woke up to go out and have breakfast and go to the market with godparents, while godsis slept in. Godma told Godpa that I cried pitifully last night. They said they would buy me Lego. I said I didn't want it.
My mum came later in the day. We went out to have dinner. During dinner, yes Lego talk again. Godpa said godsis got Legos because her results improved. ... ?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you telling me this reason is logical and makes sense? You are telling me that good results don't deserve to rewarded, and shitty results deserve to be rewarded. Really? Top 3 in class get awarded with more vouchers than the Best Improvement Award. But when it comes to this, there's no logic involved. 优秀反而没有奖励？用这种歪理敷衍我，我感觉更不爽。
Anyway, after that, godpa, godsis and I went to Lego shop. Just window shopped, didn't buy anything. Godpa said need to look for Lego for 28 yo but the store only has Legos for 18 yos. =.= Is he seriously mocking me for wanting to play with toys as an adult?
1. I am 27.
2. Lego's age range has a "+" behind them e.g. 16+. That "+" means "and above". In fact, some Lego sets state the age range as e.g. 4-99, which is their way of saying you're never too old to play with Lego.
3. Godsis is not even 16, and the Space Shuttle set was 18+, so she's the one who got the Lego out of her age range pls.
Because of my obsession with Lego, I mentioned Lego n times today. So many damn times. It started to annoy myself and probably everyone. It just came out of my mouth because 我很不甘心 and it seemed that I wanted some reaction from them, which managed to make me feel worse and more pathetic. But whyyyyyyy do I even have to beg for it why??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever. After we got back to their house after dinner, I switched my attention to playing Pokemon Sword on godbro's Nintendo Switch, which I also do not have. I have never owned any Nintendo Gameboy or whatever in my childhood. Only when my godbro came over, or I went to their house, I could play for a while. It felt like my childhood was missing something. I'm sure most kids have possessed a game console at some point in time.
I asked my mum to buy it for me, partly because of my angst from this whole Lego shit, and partly because I've been contemplating buying it ever since the start of this whole COVID nonsense, but COVID also pushed the price up. My mum said no because she didn't want to spend $500 and have me playing all the time and make herself angry. Zzzz.
Yesterday night, I was just checking out Lego YouTube videos so I was procrastinating my shower. Then my mum said she initially was thinking of buying me the Switch but then I wasn't even going to shower. Lol. So I went to shower. Effective way of getting your kid to shower.
But today she's offering to buy the Switch for me as my Christmas present la. 'Cos last week I said she didn't give me Christmas present. Hello mum now New Year already leh.
I cried throughout my whole shower thinking about the Lego stuff again. Mum told me to just not go to their house and have to see all this, and that being able to provide myself with all that is more important, and I shouldn't be begging for stuff because he owes me nothing. Duh, of course I know. But like I said, it's not about me not being able to buy it for myself. It's about this fucking difference in status. Both are goddaughters, but it's a world of difference 天差地别. You know how when parents are too biased towards one child, the siblings will hate that child? I feel that. If there wasn't favouritism, I wouldn't be so unfriendly towards her. Fuck. I guess I can't make control people's feelings and make them like me. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm the only child at home after all. Lonely, but I don't have to experience this shit feeling. Can I have a boyfriend who will buy me Lego and all the toys in the world please? I want a boyfriend whom I can just be a child forever with him. But for now, I'm going to pamper myself. I'm gonna buy all the Lego and toys and Nintendo Switches for myself. I need to love myself more.
Fuck. I'm crying again. I've been crying over this for 3 days already.
Although this post is titled "Lego", the main point of it all is definitely not Lego.
Thoughhhhhhhh this Lego incident genuinely piqued my interest in Lego. I've been watching Lego videos ever since
Update: walau now whenever godsis has sth and I say I want it too, godparents attribute it to jealousy. ... ... ...
k whatever, i'm over it now i think. time really heals
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