Huai Tian's blog

 妈妈，对不起。 我真的不想这么做的。 但是当时我真的没有办法，我也解释不了。 我以为可以几天后就可以解决，然后就跟你说。但是没想到拖了那么久，还没解决。所以我到现在都没说，然后被你发现了。 我其实这一个月每天心脏都跳得很快，砰砰地跳。虽然平时心跳就很快，但是好像比平时更快。有些天还会有一股闷气在胸口堵住。每天都在想这个事，非常的不安。太煎熬了。这种事我再也不做了。我从现在起一定先学了才轻微的尝试。 我只能慢慢地还你了。 今天看《余生，请多指教》第26集看到顾肖，唉，怎么会跟我一样呢。太失败了

 Ok so yesterday I went to bai nian at godparents' house. Godma asked me in front of like 6 people that I don't know whether I still want Lego. And apparently recently there was an episode where Mama introduced the Godsis as her goddaughter to someone, and Godsis asked “为什么这么见外？” Then Mama asked me if I was willing to be called her 'daughter' as well. In my brain I was thinking "wtf?". I had never registered in my mind that there was such a big difference, especially since they had no biological daughters. Hello I call you Mama and Daddy, not Godma and Godpa. So maybe it was just me who thought that it's no big diff. But sometimes the diff becomes so painfully obvious. Then I said sure. Sometimes my brain gets stuck in the present. I can't find words to defend myself. Only after thinking about it for hours, or in the shower or in bed, then I find the words coming to me. Godsis is one of a kind la. Her actual surname is Chua but she says her surname is

 I really cannot stop thinking about it. I have to vent my emotions somewhere so that I can stop crying and go to sleep. I guess it's for me to organise my own thoughts as well. My mum thinks this is a very trivial matter. But to me it's not. I hate that I'm so affected by it. I hate that I cannot get the love that I want. What happened is my youngest godsister received a Lego 10283 Space Shuttle Discovery for her Christmas present from my godfather. And I learned that she has actually gotten at least 5 Lego sets as a reward for improvements in her results, but I have not received anything for my academic achievements in my whole life. For context, her results are probably ok in her class, but bad on a nationwide level. On the other hand, I excelled academically in primary school. I do recognise that my results took a plunge in secondary school onwards, but hey I still graduated from NUS, and my results were the best in my 'godfamily'. I was well aware about my godp