Whoever reads this, don't judge. Because I'm just writing this while being emo. But nobody visits my blog anyway. That's why there's no need to privatise this blog.
I discovered 2 tubs of Häagen-Dazs in the freezer today. I couldn't believe how such an expensive brand of ice cream appeared in my house. I was shocked. I felt so touched, and I actually couldn't bear to even start eating it, which never happens for regular ice cream like Walls.
And just now, Mum just came home, and I asked her when she bought it. She went, "Oh, right. I bought that for daddy because he's too skinny." I felt damn disappointed, you can't even imagine how someone would feel over merely ice cream. I asked her why she didn't buy Häagen-Dazs for me. Then she said something like: Buy for you? It's Mothers' Day, and you didn't even buy for me. I felt damn wronged I started crying. I know I cry over little things. SO WHAT. I usually just eat cheap ice cream, and I could even feel touched over seeing Häagen-Dazs in my house. I was never willing to splurge over my favourite dessert, and I always just buy cheap alternatives. I had to go to free cone day or Shermaine's house just to have a taste of Ben and Jerry's. Wtf. I did buy her Black Ball yesterday ok. And I also don't buy that often because it's expensive. And then she said, "You can go out of the house freely, but daddy can only stay at home." While I understand that, I still can't stop feeling that drop in emotions from heaven to hell. I can understand it if I think logically, but I just can't help feeling sad. Even if she asked me if I wanted some, I just didn't have the mood for it anymore. What the shit.
The worst part of it all is she always flies into a rage, and starts to whack me when she hears me crying, and she thinks that it's unreasonable. What the fuck. Can't you just let a girl cry in my own fucking room? It's such a bad feeling that I'm in my own room, and I can't even cry loudly. I feel restrained while crying. Wtf. It's like I'm trying to let my feelings out, but it's still stuck inside because I'm not allowed to let it all out.
I know the reason for crying today is super nonsensical childish. But I'm just sad ok. Sad that I'm so poor. Sad that I can't afford some fucking luxurious ice cream. Sad that the ice cream wasn't for me. Sad that I'm fat while my dad is skinny so I don't deserve ice cream. Sad that she doesn't understand me. Sad over stupid things.
Let me just play some sad songs loudly while I cry some more before she shouts at me to wash the dishes.
I'm so gonna feel embarrassed someday when I read this post again. How does anybody even cry over ice cream?
I'm listening to 你，好不好, and I see someone commented that her boyfriend broke up with her by going MIA, and she's heartbroken. Meanwhile someone is here from being hurt by by my mum not buying ice cream for me. Stupiak af.
It's the start of summer. I swear, I am going to be slim by the end of summer. Then I'm gonna eat all the Häagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry's I want.
Whew. Now that I'm listening to sad songs, I'm reminded of what a little emo kid I was in primary school. Back when I didn't have this habitual laughter to laugh at everything. Let me just let it out here.
I didn't used to be like this. It all started back in secondary school, St Nicholas Girls' School. From a neighbourhood school where the girls of my whole class went to recess together, to a elite girls' school where people already had cliques from the St Nicks primary school section. I made very few friends in 1 Faith that were close enough to be going for recess together despite it being an MEP class. In Sec 2, it became worse. Those friends went to 2 Loyalty. I tried to meet up with those friends in 2L, but they didn't wait for me to go for recess. I spent recesses alone. I felt so lonely. I wanted to make friends. I remembered how my primary school friend YY was so smiley, and she made friends quite easily. And that's where this bad habit began. I started laughing at everything. I laughed when people said something. I laughed when I was speaking. I laughed while I watched TV. I laughed when there was nothing funny enough to be laughing about.
This habit was a mask. A mask to hide my loneliness. An attempt to make friends by being someone who was more likely to make friends. A habit that caused many misunderstandings. Like how during a PE lesson, I laughed when my team scored. A classmate took it the wrong way, and she laughed loudly and intentionally in my face when her team scored the next goal. I didn't understand it at first. I felt wronged. I hid in the toilet cubicle to cry. I thought we were friends. Or at least acquaintances for a few years. She had acted friendly towards me before this happened. I'm not sure if this PE lesson was the turning point of her attitude. But she wasn't friendly since then, even after a year. And yesterday, my godbrother said something about my laughing habit too. He said if I became a doctor, he would be scared, because I would "hahaha" while explaining things to the patients.
The counsellor told me to do something about it too. By being aware that I'm not actually happy or amused while laughing. Let me fix this habit this summer too, please.
So, my resolutions this summer:
1. Slim down to 46kg. If toned, can be heavier because muscles are heavier. The weight doesn't matter that much. Size is the one that matters.
2. Fix that automatically laughing habit.
3. Pass BTT and FTT.
4. Go for as many acting opportunities as possible.
5. Continue self-learning Korean.
7. Play piano.
8. Be more disciplined. Start with exercising regularly.