Huai Tian's blog

 Ok so yesterday I went to bai nian at godparents' house. Godma asked me in front of like 6 people that I don't know whether I still want Lego. And apparently recently there was an episode where Mama introduced the Godsis as her goddaughter to someone, and Godsis asked “为什么这么见外？” Then Mama asked me if I was willing to be called her 'daughter' as well. In my brain I was thinking "wtf?". I had never registered in my mind that there was such a big difference, especially since they had no biological daughters. Hello I call you Mama and Daddy, not Godma and Godpa. So maybe it was just me who thought that it's no big diff. But sometimes the diff becomes so painfully obvious. Then I said sure. Sometimes my brain gets stuck in the present. I can't find words to defend myself. Only after thinking about it for hours, or in the shower or in bed, then I find the words coming to me. Godsis is one of a kind la. Her actual surname is Chua but she says her surname is ...

 I really cannot stop thinking about it. I have to vent my emotions somewhere so that I can stop crying and go to sleep. I guess it's for me to organise my own thoughts as well. My mum thinks this is a very trivial matter. But to me it's not. I hate that I'm so affected by it. I hate that I cannot get the love that I want. What happened is my youngest godsister received a Lego 10283 Space Shuttle Discovery for her Christmas present from my godfather. And I learned that she has actually gotten at least 5 Lego sets as a reward for improvements in her results, but I have not received anything for my academic achievements in my whole life. For context, her results are probably ok in her class, but bad on a nationwide level. On the other hand, I excelled academically in primary school. I do recognise that my results took a plunge in secondary school onwards, but hey I still graduated from NUS, and my results were the best in my 'godfamily'. I was well aware about my godp...

I'm just wondering how it feels to actually like someone? I watch lots of dramas. They said you'll feel the most comfortable, and you'll feel free to simply be yourself when you're with that person. Sounds nice

Ummmmm so my friend forgot my birthday, and wished me 2 days later. Was I expecting too much? I can't really remember but I think after JC, we stopped giving each other birthday gifts? Maybe because we met each other less. But if friends gave me a present, I would obviously reciprocate. Before, at least she would facetime me to wish me a happy birthday. When it was her birthday last year, I wished her happy birthday, but didn't prepare anything. But she happened to be nearby and invited me over, and then I bought her a cake although she said she didn't need one. So I was kind of expecting something on my birthday, especially since she moved to somewhere nearby. I don't expect people to remember my birthday. I myself am terrible at remembering birthdays. Unless your birthday is on a holiday or special occasion, I have to check Facebook. But at least have an idea of which month people's birthdays are in. And I even put my birthday on Facebook. Fb even reminds you of y...

I was watching The Return of Superman, when the naughty Donggook appa plucked Seola's hair and tickled Sian with it. I laughed at how he's so naughty. Then I got reminded of the times my dad used to play with me. He was one naughty dad too. And sometimes I kicked him in retaliation on the bed. As time went by, my kicks got stronger but he got weaker, so I could not longer kick him with full strength anymore. I suddenly felt so sorry for kicking him so hard. I miss daddy so much. It sent a flood of tears.

Yesterday, I went to my first Tuesday meditation session held by NUS Buddhist Society. I've only joined NUSBS this semester, and I usually go for the Wednesday sessions only, but this week I was swamped with stressful thoughts so I thought it would be good for me to finally go, since I wanted to go anyway. Guess what. After the 1 hour mindfulness session, they suddenly asked me to join the exco. Lmao. Now I'm in NUSPE exco, nuSTUDIOS subcomm and NUSBS management committee all at once. Lolol. Honestly, what pulls me through school is the thought of attending CCAs after school. I can't understand those people who have no CCAs at all. I guess they really like studying. Lol, but they didn't have any positions for me. They were just asking "what can you do? How about publicity/welfare?" haha. They're mostly Year 1s but I'm still glad I got to know them. Hopefully we can get closer in this semester. I've always wanted to join a bonded exco. Updat...

Ah Cao, my nephew, has been working in SG, and tonight he came over to have dinner together with us. While we were walking back home from the coffee shop, I suddenly missed Daddy a lot. My mum sometimes asks me if I miss ah ma or daddy. Usually I don't really feel particularly sad or anything. Perhaps numb. Idk. Sometimes it just gets me at random moments. I miss you a lot daddy. And I can't imagine what I'm going to feel when one day Mummy leaves too. Then I thought of how my ah ma has passed away recently too. My mum has also lost one of her parents recently. I should treat my mum better.